How to say “no” to your ex

In an imperfect world, the divorce process can make you feel like you have to be perfect.

With so much conflict and criticism coming from your ex, your ex’s attorney, or even from within, you may be thinking:

I have to be the best, most cooperative parent.
I shouldn’t have said that to my kids.
I can’t do that because it would look bad.

Wondering how things are going to appear (to your ex or to the outside world in general) can leave you paralyzed with fear.

And that fear then compounds into anger when you see your ex doing things that don’t seem to have any consequences.

He/she may be dating already.
He/she may be going out and trying new things.
He/she may be making parenting decisions that drive you crazy.

It’s enough to turn you into a ball of stress!

When you feel that stress coming on, it’s important to learn how to say “no” to your ex - and “yes” to you.

Part of the natural separating process of divorce is to define and create boundaries.

It’s important to honor yourself during this time of transition and regrowth.

Ask yourself,

What’s important to me?
What rules do I live by?
What is right and wrong for me?

One of my clients did this in a seemingly simple way with laundry. When her teens did laundry at her ex’s, they were not required to fold their clean clothes.

She was afraid that, if she required them to fold and put away laundry at her house, that she would look like the strict house and that her kids would resent her.

When she did this exercise, however, she decided that folding laundry was one of the rules she lives by. She requested that when her kids did laundry at mom’s house, the laundry is folded and put away. And her kids obliged. No conflict. No drama.

Another client’s ex routinely asked to change the visitation schedule. At first he said yes to everything because he didn’t want his kids to be stuck in the middle of a scheduling conflict. Before long he realized he wasn’t making any plans during the times his kids were with their mom ‘just in case’ he needed to step in to help out. He felt tense and a bit resentful so we did this exercise together.

He quickly realized that the best way to support his kids was to live by example, set boundaries and honor the responsibility of the visitation schedule. He accommodated change requests when he could but no longer felt he had to say yes.

The next time you get triggered by a decision, think of these questions. They will become your natural filter which will guide you to feel what’s right.

Here’s to your boundaries, because they matter.

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